I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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