Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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