i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
