woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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