Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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