so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
