I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I didn't notice because vodka
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
