life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
being pregnant is like rehab
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
