I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
