Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
