last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize