The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
