Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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