$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
God, I missed his penis.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
