I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
