someone threw a dead crab at me
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Houston, we have a squirter
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
