got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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