i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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