Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
There's even glitter on my cock...
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