You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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