Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
