I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
