you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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