sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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