I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You smell like stripper and shame
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
