Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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