She said her name was "party"
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize