I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
3pm strippers are depressing
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
