I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
