I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
