hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
