She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
