i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
