I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
