New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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