508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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