The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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