In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize