Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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