Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
