This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
