My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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