Need sex. Gaining weight.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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