Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
