Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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