the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
