He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
