Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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