when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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