You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
