I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
