Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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