you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
