Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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