They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
