btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
