haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
