it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
