I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
