I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
