Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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