My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I love you. Go after that dick
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
