So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
