I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
