is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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