Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
